{"id":1880,"date":"2020-04-20T15:35:03","date_gmt":"2020-04-20T15:35:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.heartbasedmedicine.org\/?p=1880"},"modified":"2025-09-23T16:43:46","modified_gmt":"2025-09-23T14:43:46","slug":"dying-alone-in-the-icu","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.heartbasedmedicine.org\/en\/dying-alone-in-the-icu\/","title":{"rendered":"Dying Alone in the Intensive Care Unit"},"content":{"rendered":"
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As I was peeling off the personal protective equipment in the emergency practice, I was on my way to pick up my things and leave to go home. Just at that moment, Ingrid came rushing down the stairs. I have worked with her in the intensive care for 20 years, where she is one of the most respected and experienced nurses.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is a horrible situation,\u201d said Ingrid. \u201cYou have to help me here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

She thrust her cell phone toward me. \u201cLook,\u201d she said. \u201cThis is my friend Lucia. She is a marvellous musician from Portugal, a world-renowned pianist. She just sent me a WhatsApp message to say that her husband had to be rushed to the emergency room. He was immediately intubated and ventilated for coronavirus.<\/p>\n

They live in France, and the hospital was over-flooded. So he is being flown here to the Basel University Hospital.\u201d I looked at her phone. Here was a beautiful blonde-haired woman, in her early 40s, wearing a very simple design dress, sitting at the piano, turning her head over her shoulder towards the camera.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan you please talk to her?\u201d Ingrid asked. I nodded, and in almost the same instant Ingrid pressed the call button on WhatsApp, and brought up her friend on a video call.<\/p>\n

The woman I saw in the video looked much older than her real age. Her hair was undone, she looked like she had not slept for several days, and she was beside herself.<\/p>\n

\u201cHello,\u201d I said. \u201cMy name is Dr. Jan Bonhoeffer, I have known Ingrid for 20 years. She asked me to come on the call. Is that all right with you?\u201d She agreed immediately. \u201cLook, I am one of the physicians at the University hospital in Basel, and maybe I can help you understand how the system works, and what you can expect.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c Thank you,\u201d she replied. \u201cThat would be marvellous, because I have no idea, and I\u2019m feeling very afraid.\u201d I explained to her briefly that Basel has excellent hospitals, cutting edge intensive care equipment, and all the medications that could possibly be required are available and in stock. I reassured her that this was one of the best places on the planet to be, when you have a condition like this.<\/p>\n

She heard me, but I could see that my words did not really touch her.<\/p>\n

Her shoulders were still up to her earlobes, and her arms were crossed in front of her chest. She was looking down. So I asked her to tell me a little bit more about when she last had contact with her husband.<\/p>\n

\u201cA few days ago, he was fine. Then he developed a little cough, and at some point he had difficulty breathing. We took him to the hospital here in Strasbourg, and within a few hours he was in the emergency unit, and he was intubated. They put him to sleep, and prepared him for transport.\u201d<\/p>\n

I could see from the way that she was telling me this that she was completely in shock. \u201cI am so sorry,\u201d I interjected. \u201cThis must be incredibly stressful.\u201d
\n\u201cIt is. They tell me that there has been massive deterioration. They did not allow me into the ward. Now he\u2019s being flown into another country, and I feel completely handcuffed. They would not let me see him in Strasbourg, and I don\u2019t know what will happen in Switzerland. I asked them, \u2018what happens if he is dying, will he have to die alone?\u2019 They told me that this would be the case.\u201d<\/p>\n

I paused. I didn\u2019t really know exactly what to say. \u201cYou know, Lucia, I was talking about exactly this kind of situation with one of the other doctors at lunch today. We talked about this, and we reflected how inhumane the current situation can be. We are putting hygiene as a higher value than love and connection. There is something wrong with this situation. I wish I could change it, but I can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was another pause. I decided to take a big risk, with someone I did not know. For some reason, I felt she might be able to handle it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI see that you are in fear, and also in pain. May I ask you a bold question?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d she said tentatively.<\/p>\n

\u201cWould you be ready to look into the eyes of your own panic?\u201d<\/p>\n

Again, she looked at me in bewilderment. Then she said quietly, \u201cYes, I would.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay,\u201d I said. \u201cCan you actually really feel this feeling? Can you allow yourself to fully experience the feeling of panic?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c Of course,\u201d she said. \u201cThat\u2019s all I can feel.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c Well,\u201d I asked her. \u201cCan you also feel the love for your husband?\u201d She started to cry.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you also feel this sense of helplessness?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d she answered through the tears.<\/p>\n

I went through many other different experiences that she had told me she was having. We touched on many different emotions. \u201cCan you see that each of these emotions is very different from each other one? Do you recognize that they actually don\u2019t talk to each other directly?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cKind of,\u201d she said. \u201cBut they are kind of altogether. I can always feel them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c Do you actually feel all of them, all at the same time?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah,\u201d she replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease look very carefully,\u201d I went on. \u201cIs that really the truth?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell no, actually not,\u201d she corrected herself. \u201cThey are actually coming one after the other, in quick succession.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c Isn\u2019t that interesting?\u201d I said. \u201cSo who is noticing that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c Me,\u201d she said quickly. \u201cI am.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c And who is the one who wants to manage the situation and change it and make it better?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat is also me,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that the fearful part of you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d she replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, so there is one part of you that is fearful, and there is another part of you that is very bold and rational and wants to get things done?\u201d
\n\u201cYes,\u201d she said. \u201cThat\u2019s right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan you see that you have different parts of you, that show up as these different emotions? They take turns in showing up, in very rapid sequence.\u201d
\nI noticed that her body language was relaxing as she paid more attention to her inner state. Her attention was shifting from the external story to becoming aware of what was happening inside of her.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo can you see that these are very different parts, who are active right now?\u201d
\n\u201cYes,\u201d she said. \u201cThat is right.\u201d
\n\u201cDo you recognize that you are talking to someone right now in Switzerland?\u201d
\n\u201cYes,\u201d she said. \u201cI can see that.\u201d
\n\u201cSo who is aware of all of this? Who can recognize these different parts, inside of you, as well as this external character on the other end of WhatsApp?\u201d
\n\u201c Me,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

\u201c Where is that part of you?\u201d I asked. \u201cIs that just another part, or is it different? Just look, just look very closely. Turn the attention from all of this difficult situation to becoming curious about who or what it is who is seeing all these different parts that are active right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c I don\u2019t know,\u201d she said. Now her voice was surprised, almost like we had uncovered a long-forgotten secret.<\/p>\n

\u201c This which is aware of all of it. What is that like?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c It is just white,\u201d she said. \u201cIt is quiet.\u201d<\/p>\n

She became completely quiet. Previously, her body had been nervous and fidgety, but now she was calm. \u201cFrom this part of me that is observing everything, I feel completely connected with my husband.\u201d<\/p>\n

She became much calmer, and was even laughing and smiling. We soon ended the call, I gave her my number if she needed me again, and I went home.
\nAbout an hour later, she sent me a WhatsApp message.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you so much. I managed to turn panic and fear and anger today into hope and a loving attitude towards myself and my beloved husband. Tomorrow I will make my way to Basel to actually try to be with him, so that he can feel me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lucia did somehow make it through the border the next day. She went to the hospital in Basel, and rang the bell at the door of the intensive care unit. She asked to see her husband.<\/p>\n

\u201c Unfortunately, that is not possible,\u201d replied the nurse. \u201cWe cannot allow any visitors of patients in our coronavirus unit.\u201d
\n\u201c He is my husband,\u201d Lucia replied. \u201cI am told that he is in critical condition, and that he might die.\u201d
\n\u201c Sadly, that is the situation for almost all the patients in intensive care,\u201d the nurse replied. \u201cOur policy is that we need to protect people from being infected, and therefore there is no access for anyone, including relatives.\u201d
\n\u201c Are you telling me that my husband might die alone on a ventilator, with his wife standing just outside the door of the intensive care?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am sorry,\u201d said the nurse. \u201cI\u2019m afraid that is the situation.\u201d<\/p>\n

Fortunately, Lucia did get message later that day that her husband had stabilized, and his condition was improving. She sent me a message to update me.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I do want to tell you, I truly and deeply appreciated the call with you. Not only did you provide me with the information I needed, but as of yesterday, I am a different person.\u201d<\/p>\n

This happens almost every day now, during these challenging times. As a physician, I am called to heal the body, but I am also being called on every day to calm the spirit.<\/p>\n

Disclaimer:\u00a0The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Heart Based Medicine organization.\u00a0 They are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. They are the expressed opinion of the author for the sole purpose of educating the public regarding their health and wellbeing. Individual results may vary. Seek the advice of a competent health care professional for your specific health concerns.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

During these challenging times, are we valuing hygiene more than love and connection?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":21,"featured_media":6264,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","itunes_episode_number":"","itunes_title":"","itunes_season_number":"","itunes_episode_type":"","h5ap_radio_sources":[],"iawp_total_views":30,"footnotes":""},"categories":[86],"tags":[303,379,378,265,173,305,380,277,234,176,108,254,381,382,253,272],"media-category":[437],"typ":[431],"class_list":["post-1880","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-read","tag-compassionate-end-of-life-care","tag-covid-19-and-end-of-life","tag-dying-alone-in-the-icu","tag-emotional-intelligence-in-healthcare","tag-emotional-well-being","tag-end-of-life-support","tag-grief-and-loss","tag-healing-through-compassion","tag-healthcare-transformation","tag-heart-based-leadership","tag-heart-based-medicine","tag-holistic-healing","tag-icu-and-palliative-care","tag-loneliness-in-healthcare","tag-patient-centered-care","tag-wellness-in-healthcare","media-category-stories","typ-intern"],"blocksy_meta":{"styles_descriptor":{"styles":{"desktop":"","tablet":"","mobile":""},"google_fonts":[],"version":6}},"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nDying 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